“Pistol Pete” Hegseth Loses Vodka Drinking Contest Against Putin

During a recent visit to Russia, “Pistol Pete” Hegseth found himself in a pickle—a vodka-drinking contest against the Russian bear-himself Vladimir Putin.

At first, Hegseth declined, citing a promise to Congress that he’d quit drinking if appointed Head of the Department of Defense. But after a moment of reflection, he said, “F— it, let’s go!”

That’s when shit got real. Putin downed three shots before Hegseth even finished his first. By the time the Russian bear reached his tenth, Hegseth—now visibly regretting his life choices—muttered “no más” and surrendered. The final blow for Pete was when his aide whispered that the entire contest had already gone viral on TikTok. Lesson learned: If you gonna drink with Putin, don’t.