America Has a New Burger King: Donald J. Trump

Yesterday, Donald Trump officially crowned himself King of America. In a stroke of marketing genius, Burger King wasted no time signing him to a one-year NIL deal to play guard for the Miami Dolphins—because if there’s one thing Trump loves more than power, it’s whoppers and “French lies.”

In the offseason, The King promises to focus on charity work for rich people and billionaires. And don’t worry America, the King has a special gift for the peasants: Free “French lies!”  because once his policies kick in and regular people are out of jobs and money, at least they’ll have something to eat.

The American public has fully embraced their new King and looks forward to Musk’s leadership. Long live the Burger King!